Feeling Peaceful, but That Could Be the Vodka

I've made some decisions about Gigi, and I'm feeling much more settled. Thanks for reading and giving me your opinions! Thank you also to my friends and husband who have listened to me work this out and decide how to proceed.

I'm not going to confront Gigi. I am, however, no longer going to be available to listen to her problems. Every time we get together it becomes a therapy session, and I don't have any fun on my night out when she shows up anymore. I feel burdened and drained. That's on the nights I don't have to drive her home or watch her puke her guts out. I've contemplated just staying home to avoid her. I'm not doing that either. I'm just not going to listen to her replay the same old tapes every weekend. I've found my boundary, and I'm enforcing it.

If Gigi asks me about what will surely be a noticeable change in our relationship, I will tell her exactly what I am feeling. I'll say, "Because giving you my honest feedback makes me a target of your anger, I no longer want to listen to your problems. Being ignored for a week and a half because I said something you didn't like, even though it was true and not intended to hurt you in any way, feels really crummy, and I'm not putting myself through that anymore. I still care about you, and I wish you the best and hope you will find happiness in your life, but I can no longer be there for you in the way I have been in the past."

If telling her that means we can no longer be friends, so be it. Our relationship has been hurting me for a long time, and frankly, I'll be better off. She's a sweet person, but her baggage has become too heavy for me to help carry. It's hurting me and making me less available for my kids, my husband, and my other friends.

Not an easy thing to do, but I'm glad it's resolved in my mind. I've been such a bitch all week to my family because I've been so stressed out about it. Not cool.

Of course, Gigi is still not talking to me. Maybe this time she'll stay mad and I won't have to say anything at all.

Brrrr!

Gigi is still giving me the cold shoulder, but not willing to admit she's mad at me. The irony of the situation is I've listened countless times to her complaining about people who have done exactly the same thing to her. Oh, well. I wrote her an email (but didn't hit send) that would effectively end our friendship, but I realized my doing so was a knee jerk reaction to her being angry at me, and that's not how I want to handle things.

Dear Gigi,

I need to change the terms of our friendship. I know you never asked me to put myself in the position I am in, but I've seen how unhappy you've
been for years now, and I've, not always consciously, tried to rescue you. That is completely inappropriate and unhealthy for both of us, and in some cases
has probably made things even worse for you.

Your anger (at your family, at Mack, at the people you don't like at the bar, at the universe) is affecting me negatively, so I've found myself lately trying to point out something positive you might take out of different situations or see the motives others might have for disappointing you that have nothing to do with a desire to hurt you, but those attempts only seem to make you angry with me, and that hurts me.

I don't know what you are looking for or expecting from me anymore, and my own broken parts want desperately to not disappoint you, but in order to be true to myself I have to be honest and that honesty seems to create a response in you that looks very much like disappointment. I'm extremely sensitive to that and tying myself in knots over it, so my only choice is to continue to be honest and tell you how I'm feeling or to quietly create some distance between us because I can't continue on this current path. Neither choice is at all attractive to me. Still, I have to choose one because harboring these feelings without addressing them is making me quite unhappy myself.

I realize that in saying this I've put myself in the category of just another one of the people who has hurt you and let you down. That is that last thing I would ever want to do, and it's why I have stayed silent for so long. So, if you've noticed some of that distance, I'm sorry. I've never wanted to hurt you. I hope you can forgive me.

I decided not to create extra drama by sending the email. I'm just not going to be the same soundboard for all of her issues that I've been in the past. If she decides to talk to me again, I'll listen, but she'll find me changing the subject when she starts playing all of the same old tapes. She'll also find I'm not as available to talk as I've been in the past.

I feel like a shithead, but it seems like the best thing I can do for myself right now.