Raising Phil Donahue

I was just thinking about what a wonderful, thoughtful, sensitive son I raised. My period just started, and I didn't have anything to deal with that, so I sent him out to my car to get my emergency stash in the console. He said, "Sure," and didn't even make a face or nasty comment.

"You done something right, Mami!" I thought.

Then he came in with 2 tampons, grimacing, and said, "You didn't tell me they wouldn't be in the box." He handed them to me and WIPED. HIS. HANDS. On his jeans.

WTF? They're still in the wrapper! "It's not like these have been in my vagina!" I said.

"Please stop," he said.

"VAH-GI-NAAAAAA."

"VAGINAAAAAAA," I sang.

"Please. Stop."

"Clitoris, labia, VUUUUUULVAAAAA!"

Oh well, if I can't raise him to be a sensitive male, I'll settle for desensitizing him. He did point out that he didn't go wash his hands. It's true.

Smartass!

Me: I'm feeling really tired. It must be because of my period.

Son: Maybe next time you should have an exclamation point.

Who Thinks This Shit Up?

What is the difference between these tampons "For Active Livestyles," and the tampons they make for women who sit on their ass all day? Seriously, what?

It must be these brilliant little inspirational sayings on the wrapper. 

What the hell would a lazy woman be able to do with wisdom like this:

"Go with your gut."

Is going without my gut an option, because I choose that!

"Keep a clear head."

Eh, no thanks.  I prefer my brain on tequila.

"Just go."

That one's a winner! I think I'll save those to hand out to the men who hit on me at the bar.

I do appreciate the fact that these babies have a "quiet" wrapper.  The last thing I want when I'm sitting on the pot in the little girls' room is to have the woman next to me know I'm unwrapping something.  I wouldn't want her to think I might be, shhhhh!  Menstruating.  Now, if they could only package Doritos with quiet bags.  I was mortified the last time I got caught eating those in the ladies' room.