Friday, June 24, 2011

Can't Keep My Mouth Shut

I've reached a point in my life where I can no longer bite my tongue and keep my mouth shut; not in the interest of preserving peace, not to make sure I am liked, not even to avoid hurting feelings.   After years of remaining silent in certain situations, I am literally about to explode! 

As a younger woman I was so afraid of making people angry with me.  I needed everyone to like and approve of me.  The desire to keep a firm grasp on every single connection in my life outweighed the need for me to speak my truth, so I contorted myself in order to be that easy-to-get-along with girl that always makes people comfortable.

Now? Not so much.  When something pisses me off, I verbalize it.  I can't seem to help myself.  I can no longer tolerate being treated badly or standing by and watching some shithead treat someone I love badly. I can't do it.

I sensed this change in myself, and it was confirmed a couple of weeks ago when I blew up the whole family by impulsively telling a relative something I have wanted to say a million times before over the last few years.  This person is a parasite, and she's been taking advantage of people I love, and although I know it is their (the people I love) job to decide whether or not they will allow themselves to be used in this way, I literally could not keep from voicing my anger and frustration.

I was respectful in the way I said what needed saying, but the truth was pretty harsh and hit the target like bullets.  The reward for my honesty?  I got called a "fat fucking cunt," and this relative is no longer in my life.  I don't give a shit.  It feels really good to have told the truth.  Contrary to what I had feared, telling the truth did not result in my dissolving and blowing away.  It didn't make me die on the spot.  However, one thing I feared most did, in fact, happen.  Someone stopped liking me.  But you know what?  That person doesn't deserve to be in my life, anyway, and it's taken a long time for me to respect myself enough to see that.

This new freedom feels good, and that's why I started this blog.  I've finally found myself, I love and respect myself, and I'm going to show myself truthfully to the world, both here in Cyberland and in the real world.  Love me or get the fuck outta my way!

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