Brrrr!

Gigi is still giving me the cold shoulder, but not willing to admit she's mad at me. The irony of the situation is I've listened countless times to her complaining about people who have done exactly the same thing to her. Oh, well. I wrote her an email (but didn't hit send) that would effectively end our friendship, but I realized my doing so was a knee jerk reaction to her being angry at me, and that's not how I want to handle things.

Dear Gigi,

I need to change the terms of our friendship. I know you never asked me to put myself in the position I am in, but I've seen how unhappy you've
been for years now, and I've, not always consciously, tried to rescue you. That is completely inappropriate and unhealthy for both of us, and in some cases
has probably made things even worse for you.

Your anger (at your family, at Mack, at the people you don't like at the bar, at the universe) is affecting me negatively, so I've found myself lately trying to point out something positive you might take out of different situations or see the motives others might have for disappointing you that have nothing to do with a desire to hurt you, but those attempts only seem to make you angry with me, and that hurts me.

I don't know what you are looking for or expecting from me anymore, and my own broken parts want desperately to not disappoint you, but in order to be true to myself I have to be honest and that honesty seems to create a response in you that looks very much like disappointment. I'm extremely sensitive to that and tying myself in knots over it, so my only choice is to continue to be honest and tell you how I'm feeling or to quietly create some distance between us because I can't continue on this current path. Neither choice is at all attractive to me. Still, I have to choose one because harboring these feelings without addressing them is making me quite unhappy myself.

I realize that in saying this I've put myself in the category of just another one of the people who has hurt you and let you down. That is that last thing I would ever want to do, and it's why I have stayed silent for so long. So, if you've noticed some of that distance, I'm sorry. I've never wanted to hurt you. I hope you can forgive me.

I decided not to create extra drama by sending the email. I'm just not going to be the same soundboard for all of her issues that I've been in the past. If she decides to talk to me again, I'll listen, but she'll find me changing the subject when she starts playing all of the same old tapes. She'll also find I'm not as available to talk as I've been in the past.

I feel like a shithead, but it seems like the best thing I can do for myself right now.